Hey guys, here you go the next chapter! Hope you like it and @Bearer of the Flame got you a late Birthday surprise in here! Also feedback, please it is important, I'm looking to enter the Scholastic Art and Writing Awards next hear....so you would be helping me get ready! Thanks guys!
Rissy
She opened her eyes then clinched her teeth as a sharp pain ran through her head and down her back. She then looked over the room trying to distract herself from the pain. She wasn’t in a hospital that much she could tell. The room she was in was big. A large tapestry hung on the wall to her right, it showed a grey rabbit holding high a black shining blade. Under the tapestry was a desk and chair. A jewelry box sat on the desk, long necklaces and jeweled bracelets lay around it.
On the other side of the room a large wardrobe stood. It was a beautiful work of art carved with intricate details of flowers and vines. A modest chandelier hung from the ceiling five candles burning brightly. She had never seen such beauty.
She tried to sit up in the bed so she could get a better look around, but the pain was too much and she let out a cry. She fell back onto the bed and laid there for a long time, before pulling the necklace from the front of her dress. She looked at the heart shaped locket and slid her finger across its smooth grey surface and the red gem in it’s center.
She held it tightly in her hands as tears started in her eyes. “I’ll find you Leo,” she said quietly to herself. Then she heard a door open. She sat up quickly as she let out a cry of pain, that had been a bad idea.
“It’s okay I’m not going to hurt you,” a doe’s voice said. It was sweet and calm and beautiful.
She looked to the doe. She was reddish in color with darker red tips to her fur, and dark brown eyes that looked kind, but held a hint of fire. The doe wore a long green dress that had beautiful white flowers that went up the skirt and around the sleeves and waist. She watched as the doe walked over to her. “Who are you?”
The doe smiled, “My name is Abbi Gale Cove and what’s your name?” Abbi asked.
“My name is Aliegha Kay Peters,” she said smiling. She then said, “So you are a medic?”
She watched as Abbi smiled shaking her head. “No and thank goodness I’m not. I want to be a scribe, but I don’t know if that will happen. What about you?”
Aliegha thought for a while about what she wanted to be. Then said, “I would like to be a field medic like my mother was.”
Abbi nodded her head and said, “I think you would do better than I would, I would probably scare all the patients.”
They laughed together and Aliegha laughed so hard that pain shot up her back, but she ignored it. She then looked into Abbi’s dark brown eyes as she said, still laughing, “I’m sure that is not true Abbi.”
“But it is so true,” Abbi said, smiling, then she added, “but never mind that how do you feel?”
Aliegha thought for a moment, she already knew the answer but she took a minute to think anyway. She liked Abbi and she was sure they were going to be great friends. “It still hurts,” she said slowly, “not as much as it used to, and I’m used to pain so its okay.” She looked down not wanting to see the pity she was sure would be in Abbi’s eyes.
She then heard Abbi say, “Well its okay, no ones going to hurt you here.” The Abbi hugged her. Aliegha was startled but she hugged her back.
The Abbi pushed away as she said, “Well, I would love to stay and chat but I better go check on my brother and Grant, they probably have poor Gabriella and Cleo driven crazy by now.”
“Who are Gabriella and Cleo and Grant? And what’s your brother’s name?” Aliegha asked partly out of curiosity and partly because she didn’t want Abbi to leave.
Gabriella and Cleo are my friends and the twin princesses of King Lander and Queen Shakira. Grant is actually Prince Adrian Grant, but we call him Grant, he and my brother Keith, better known as Kei, found you with Captain Massie. They ran all the way back to fetch a doctor and their both down with a cold now, btu they’ll live.” Abbi said as she smiled. She then walked to the door and said before slipping out, “Get some rest Aliegha, there’s lots to do once you get better.”
Then Abbi was gone and she was left alone. She closed her eyes and fell asleep and drifted into a world of nightmares and visions.
Awww, this is so good! I loved the description of Abbi's eyes: "looked kind, but held a hint of fire." And that last sentence was so good. Great great great job!!!
For feedback, here are some thoughts I had. "She liked Abbi and she was sure they were going to be great friends."
Nothing is wrong with that sentence! But because it tells, not shows, it could be made even more interesting. So instead of saying she liked Abbi, you could describe something in Abbi that made Aleigh like her. Such as "Something in Abbi's eyes resonated with her, and she was sure they were going to be great friends," or "Abbi's humor drove her thoughts away from her pain. She was sure they were going to be great friends," or "the fire in Abbi's eyes warmed her heart, and she was sure they were going to be great friends."
Just a thought... I hope it made sense! You are such a wonderful and creative writer!!!
I love the name Cleo, and I love Abbi! I am pretty sure Grant is Lander's son. Am I correct? Also, what happened to Massie? Is he driving some friend of his crazy with a cold? I love details on Massie. 😛😛😛😛😛😛😛
As for feedback, there are two things in the second to last paragraph:
"found you with Captain Massie" sounds like Aliegha and Massie were together, and Kei and Grant found both of them.
"And their both down with a cold now" their should be changed to they're, because it means they are.
First paragraph: "She wasn't in a hospital that much she could tell" I think there should be some sort of punctuation between 'hospital' and 'that', like a dash. "She wasn't in a hospital - that much she could tell." Or something like that.
There are also quite a few places where two sentences are joined together, such as:
"Well its okay, no ones going to hurt you here." should be "Well it's okay. No one's going to hurt you here."
“Well, I would love to stay and chat but I better go check on my brother and Grant, they probably have poor Gabriella and Cleo driven crazy by now.” should probably be “Well, I would love to stay and chat but I better go check on my brother and Grant. They probably have poor Gabriella and Cleo driven crazy by now.”
Phew. That took a lot of searching. I hope that helps. You are such a wonderful writer, and I look forward to everything you write. You will do an incredible job.
SO GOOD!!!
Oooohhhh this made my day!!! 😭 This cheered me up so much, thank you!!!!!