Hey guys here you go! Next chapter hope you like it! Didn't get to do half of what I wanted to, but oh well....anyway next chapter will be in Leo fanfic and will be about Leo this time....lol...
Feedback please! Thanks
Rissy
They needed to get out of here and fast. Aaron had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. Something was wrong, really wrong. He shook his head; he needed to focus and see if she was okay. He turned his head towards Alice, and she looked like she was in shock. Her golden-brown eyes were filled with terror, anger, and loss. He laid a firm hand on her shoulder and turned her to face him. Tears now rolled down her face and her body began to shake.
Aaron spoke to her, his voice calm but firm, “We need to get out of here, Alice. I have a bad feeling about this. Something is not right.”
“I can’t go. I need to get them out of the house. I can’t lose them, Aaron, not like I did Dan. Not again, I won’t let it happen again,” she said as she shook Aaron’s hand off her shoulder.
Aaron looked into her eyes once again. “Alice, it’s too late. It hurts to say this, but they’re gone. You can’t go down there, or you’ll be like them. I’m sorry.” He looked into Alice’s eyes, feeling horrible for what he had just said, but he had only spoken the truth.
Alice glared at him as she said, “I should have known you wouldn’t help me with anything. No one ever does. You are just like the rest, and I see that now. I’m going down there with or without you, you can choose Aaron, but either way, I am going.” Alice began to run off, but Aaron grabbed her arm before she could leave.
Alice screamed in pain, and he loosened his desperate grip on her arm. He hadn’t meant to hurt her, just to keep her from leaving. He gently pulled her towards his face. When they were face to face, he looked her in the eye. It was quiet for a long moment, which made things awkward, but then he spoke. His voice quiet, “You are not going down there. I already told you once, and I’m not going to say it again, Alice.”
He saw that Alice looked scared of him for a moment, then she said, her voice really rough, “Get off me! You are not in charge of me, not last time I checked, and you never will be in charge of me!”
She was about to say more Aaron didn’t want to hear anymore. “I’m sorry for what I’m about to do,” he said, then he grabbed her hand tightly and dragged her away. Alice protested, wiggled, and fought as she tried to get away, but his grip was firm. He dragged her away as if she was a doll.
After a while, Aaron finally loosened his grip on Alice’s arm and stopped. But he didn’t let of her as he walked around and listened. He had heard something. He grabbed his spear which, was strapped to his back, and pulled it out of its sheath. He then looked at Alice and let go of her hand as he placed a finger to his lips. She rolled her eyes at him; he rolled his eyes back at her. Why did does have to be so stressful?
He readied his spear as the sound got closer. He then sighed with relief when he saw it was Digory. Digory had a look of terror on his face. Aaron grabbed Alice’s hand again as he ran over to his friend. When they reached Digory, Digory stopped and took in gasps of air. Digory tried to speak, but he choked on his words, and it was hard to understand him. But Aaron did make out some things Digory said, such as, “My house…on fire…my family in…what’s going on?”
Aaron wanted to clarify what Digory had said, but then, he heard footsteps, running footsteps coming close. He looked at Digory and tightened his grip on Alice’s hand. He then said, “Run!”
They ran as fast as they could. Their hearts racing in their chest, like speeding arrows soaring through the sky. Their legs ached along with their lungs. Aaron held to Alice’s hand, pulling her along with him. But then he heard her scream as she fell down beside him. He looked down at her and saw that she was in pain.
“Are you okay?” He asked, trying to remain calm.
“I tripped over a stump. My foot hurts. I can’t run. I can’t move it,” Alice moaned as she tried to move her foot. Aaron looked at Alice then back at the rabbits which were chasing them. The rabbits were getting closer by the moment. He tried to think of a way they could escape, but he couldn't think of one. He looked at Digory, who had stopped, and Aaron nodded to him. He guessed they would have to fight. He stepped in front of Alice and readied his spear as the rabbits approached them.
I like Aaron. I mean, he and Alice... I am not sure how they ever got along, and I'm not sure what I think of Alice. Right now I like her. She cares about her family - enough to sacrifice her life to help them. I like Digory too, so far.
Now, enough about my opinions.... As for feedback, I'm not really sure how to describe it.... Let's see.... I think an action should only be stated once. Like, at the beginning, it said, "They needed to get out of here and fast. Aaron had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. Something was wrong, really wrong." Then, a couple sentences later, Aaron says, “We need to get out of here, Alice. I have a bad feeling about this. Something is not right.”
It might just be me, but I feel like the two sentences shouldn't be so similar.
Also, "He needed to focus on Alice" and "he turned toward Alice" are sort of similar. Maybe one of those could be taken out?
It could say something like, "Aaron had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. Something was wrong. Really wrong. He shook his head; he needed to focus on Alice. She looked like she was in shock. Her golden-brown eyes were filled with terror, anger, and loss. He laid a firm hand on her shoulder and turned her to face him. Tears now rolled down her face and her body began to shake.
Aaron spoke to her, his voice calm but firm, “We need to get out of here, Alice. Something is not right.”
Anyways... I love the story, and I love the characters! I am looking forward to hearing more about Eileen!