Hey folks! So I wanted to share something that's kind of hard to talk about, and something that's affected my life a lot lately. As I'm sure you can guess by the title, it's Depression. Early last August, my Dad was diagnosed with liver cancer. It had completely blindsided us, as my Dad hadn't shown any symptoms, and came as a shock. Since then he's started chemo and immunotherapy, treatments I'm sure most of you have a vague idea of. My mental health took a dive. A sharp dive. I've struggled with anxiety and occasional suicidal ideation all throughout my tween and teen years, but this.......well, it set it off. I sank into depression. Bad. It got so bad I seriously began considering suicide when I was at my lowest moments. I couldn't sleep, I wasn't interested in anything, my motivation dropped, as I'm sure y'all could tell by my lack of posting.

That all sounds awful, right?

It is.

All of it.

But one thing I've learned in my struggle with fear, hopelessness, and the desire to die, is that you can pick for it to go one of two ways. You can choose for it to push you away from God, to scream at Him and demand why-which doesn't help, by the way, trust me I've tried it-or you can keep pursuing Him. For four years I did the first, and my life was miserable. I didn't realize how miserable. Then, last Spring, I had what I can only describe as a 'Mountain-top experience'. On my birthday, none the less. I was baptized at age ten, but I didn't truly know God then. I knew of Him. And it wasn't until He broke my heart that I knew Him. Sometimes that's the way it works-your heart has to shatter before you truly understand. That was-and is-how it was for me. I rode the euphoria from the encounter for about four months, and then, well, my Dad's diagnosis hit, bringing me painfully back to reality.

My Anxiety and Depression, which I had thought gone, came rushing back full-force and worse than ever before. This isn't a feel-good story. I'm not trying to make it one. I'm not living a sunshine and rainbows life, it's more of a one-day-at-a-time kind of life. The fact is that being a Christian isn't easy, and often you don't get 'blessings', or at least what the world considers blessings. In many ways I consider my depression a blessing-because I have to rely fully on God, simply to make it to the next day. Does that mean that I want to feel this way? Absolutley not. I'd love it if it went away. But it's not going to, right now, at least. Our trials are blessings. That's a tough pill to swallow, and for a long time I didn't understand what Jesus meant when He said 'And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me', nor many of the teachings of suffering in the Bible. I hadn't suffered, truly, before. I had troubles, but not like this. And the fact is that having faith-being a good person, following the law-won't keep you from suffering. That's not the way this works. Sometimes God just says 'Not yet. Soon child, but not yet'. Suffering teaches us to rely solely on God, to trust him even when in the valley. Suffering is hard, but it's worth it, and I know it won't last forever. This is not a happy story-not yet. It will be, but not yet.

I wrote this poem several weeks ago during one of the rougher nights. It's not a happy poem-there's no cheerful ending, no lifting of the burden-but that's not why I wrote it. I wrote it primarily for myself, to put my feelings to words as best I could, and partially because I hoped to share it with those who need it. Here it is.

Depression

There’s two kinds of emotions, the quiet and the loud,

I used to have the second-quiet’s mostly how it is now.

The quiet emotions are the deeper ones, the ones that stake you through the heart, when nothing will ever be alright again and you rake your skin with stinging darts.

When you’re still up at night, scrolling till two AM,

And coffee keeps you alive enough to stare at papers and hope that no one notices-

And somehow that becomes your whole existence.  

But it’s there in the corners of your eyes even when you smile,

It’s there even when you are flying so high you’re almost in denial.

It’s there when things feel better, and crushes you when they’re worse,

It’s there when you sit on the bathroom floor and wonder if you’re a curse.

It’s there when I swallow my food, past this lump that lives in my throat,

It’s there when I think about my knives and the skin my wrist wears as a coat.

It’s there when I pray, when I think, when I laugh,

It’s there when I’m at church, at home, at class.

It never leaves, but I distract myself, find ways to cope-

And pray to God above that somehow He knows.

It’s still there when I write, when I try to do my school,

It’s there when I sob silently and when I just lose my cool.

It’s there when my masacara runs down my cheeks,

It’s there when I feel like I haven’t smiled in weeks

It’s there when I put on a façade for my friends

And know that most friendships really do end.

It’s there in my knowledge of how cruel the world is,

It’s there in my heartache for those on the wrong list

It’s there with my tics,

It’s there with my foolhardy tricks

It’s there even when the weight seems lifted

But it’s always still crushing me underneath it.

My emotions are quiet, now, yes, silent and steady when I wear this mask.

I’ve learned to be silent, to not burden others, be a helpful, perfect, honorable daughter.

I don’t resent you for that, I want you to know, I’m not angry things happen, you’re not my foes.

I just don’t know how I can keep going on when everything everywhere seems so wrong, when the only thing I want is the thing I must wait for it’s been 2000 years what are You waiting for?

You say You are with us well where is the proof? I know You exist I have Your truth but why do You wait what else is left?

2000 years, Father, please just come back.

I’m sick of this world and grieved by their attacks.

I’m just being honest, trying to chase answers-not even Your own Kingdom is unified!

Why do you let us get away with these lies?

It’s this thing that is here day after day after day, crawling through my veins, feeding on my over-worked brain.

Disappointment.

Then anger.

Resentment,

Then fear.

Grief.

Tears.

It’s the thing that follows me no matter what I do.

It’s the thing that grins with too-sharp teeth and stages violent coups.

It’s quiet and stubborn and teaches harsh lessons,

It’s the feeling of hopelessness when I swallow back my questions.

Depression.

I hope this helped y'all. Have a blessed day :)