So I started this story, and I want feedback on it, so please give feedback,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
""You didn't tell me this, Jyn?" Matthew asked.
"Tell you what?" Jyn replied, clearly confused.
"That you're leaving for Japan to live there for years? That you're going in a matter of hours? That you didn't take the time to me any of this?" Matthew angrily answered her.
"Matthew, I was waiting until the right time to tell you," she told him.
"So 9 hours before you leave is a good time? So we only have 9 hours to do everything on our bucket list before you leave," Matthew asked.
"I'm so so sorry, Matthew. I've been so busy picking out an apartment and things."
"Too busy to talk to your best friend, obviously."
"I'm sorry," Jyn repeated, walking over to her bulletin board. She grabbed a piece of paper from it and sat down by Matthew on her bed. She handed him the paper.
Matthew sighed, and said, "We should get started on this."
"Which one would we do first?" Jyn asked softly
"I don't know, I'm we've ran a marathon and rode a camel, so those are out of the question. We have nine options left, so we could go bungee jumping, ride in a hot air balloon, make the perfect s'more, swim under a waterfall, swim in the ocean, go surfing,-wow, we have a lot of water-related ones-, make ravioli from scratch, dye our hair, or learn to juggle " Matthew replied, "I think you should pick. I mean, you're the one who's leaving." Matthew had calmed down from his original anger toward Jyn by now and was calm.
"How about we start with s'mores? We could go to the backyard, start a fire and decide what to do next."
"Okay. That sounds good," Matthew said, standing up, and heading out the door. Jyn stood up and followed him. She quickly ran down the stairs, and headed to the padio, Matthew not far in front of her. Jyn turned around and grabbed a lighter, graham crackers, marshmallows, and chocolate from the kitchen. She ran down the stairs and tossed the lighter to Matthew, who lit their fire.
"Which one should we do first?" Matthew asked her looking over her shoulder at thier bucket list. They made it 10 years ago, when they were nine. It had 30 items on it and they had completed 21 of them. That meant they had 9 hours to complete 9 bucket list tasks.
"I'm not sure, but I know one thing. We have to make this a night to remember."
Wow!!! This is really good!!! Um, feedback wise, well that rewrite is really good!
Um, we're not good at this....lol....we love the idea of the race against time! So cool! We don't know....urgh we're horrible at this....
Rissy said she would like to know a little bit of what the characters look like, um maybe you could incorporate that in chapter two, since there's not really anyway to put it in this chapter without interrupting the flow...
That is really good!!! And super cool!!!
(if you want honest feedback on your art we'll give it next time! We like honest feedback too!)
Also, I want a different name for Matthew...
Two of my favorite actors are named that, so I can't read it without imagining them, lol
CHAPTER 1
""You didn't tell me this, Jyn?" Matthew asked, bursting through Jyn's bedroom door.
"Tell you what?" Jyn replied, looking up from her book with a confused look on her face.
"That you're leaving for Japan to college? That you got a job that will keep you there for years? That you're going in a matter of hours? That you didn't take the time to me any of this?" Matthew angrily answered her, his face turning red.
"Matthew, I was waiting until the right time to tell you," she snapped back, quickly setting her book down and standing up to look Matthew in the eye.
"So 9 hours before you leave is a good time? So we only have 9 hours to do everything on our bucket list before you leave," Matthew asked, narrowing his eyes at her.
"I'm so so sorry, Matthew. I've been so busy picking out an apartment and things."
"Too busy to talk to your best friend, obviously," he said, crossing his arms and looking away.
"I'm sorry," Jyn repeated, walking over to her bulletin board. She grabbed a piece of paper from it and sat down on her bed. She handed him the paper.
"Oh, so you're sorry? Sorry doesn't make up for almost leaving for halfway across the world without telling me!" Matthew remarked, throwing the paper on the ground.
"Hey!" Jyn shouted she said, grabbing the paper off the ground.
Matthew sighed "I'm sorry for yelling at you. I'm just scared. Japan is so far from here, and when I'm awake, you'll be asleep. We won't be able to talk much," he said, a slight tremble in his voice.
"Which one would we do first?" Jyn asked softly, handing the wrinkled, stained paper to Matthew.
"I don't know, we've ran a marathon and rode a camel, so those are out of the question. We have nine options left, so we could go bungee jumping, ride in a hot air balloon, make the perfect s'more, swim under a waterfall, swim in the ocean, go surfing,-wow, we have a lot of water-related ones-, make ravioli from scratch, dye our hair, or learn to juggle " Matthew replied, "I think you should pick. I mean, you're the one who's leaving." Matthew had calmed down from his original anger toward Jyn, and his voice wasn't loud, it felt soft and calm. He handed her the list.
"How about we start with s'mores? We could go to the backyard, start a fire and decide what to do next."
"Okay. That sounds good," Matthew said, standing up, and heading out the door. Jyn stood up and followed him. She quickly ran down the stairs and headed to the patio, Matthew not far in front of her. Jyn turned around and grabbed a lighter, graham crackers, marshmallows, and chocolate from the kitchen. She ran down the stairs and tossed the lighter to Matthew, who lit their fire.
"Which one should we do first?" Matthew asked her looking over her shoulder at their bucket list. They made it 10 years ago when they were nine. It had 30 items on it and they had completed 21 of them. That meant they had 9 hours to complete 9 bucket list tasks before Jyn left for Japan.
"I'm not sure, but I know one thing. We have to make this a night to remember."
That was the rewrite.
FEEDBACK ON THIS IS WELCOME AND ENCOURAGED TOO!!! :D
Oooo, I really like this!!! I'm already wishing I could keep reading it and I hope you will share the next chapter!!! *pleading face* And the title is awesome!!!!!!!!!!!
For feedback, is this the actual beginning of the story? If so, I feel like the dialogue might be a bit too on-the-nose when Matthew says "That you're leaving for Japan to live there for years? That you're going in a matter of hours? That you didn't take the time to me any of this?"
If you could find a way to sprinkle in that information in a more spaced-out way, it would be more realistic. Like maybe at the sentence near the end "That meant they had 9 hours to complete 9 bucket list tasks" you could add "before Jyn left for Japan" and that would be the time the readers know where she's going. I hope that makes some sense.
One more thing - instead of saying "clearly confused" and "angrily answered her" you could try to show that in body language. So you could think, "how would Matthew know she was confused?" and describe how she is acting using what Matthew would see, or something like that.
So yeah! Good job Rhys!!
I love it! My only feedback, is nine hours enough time? I mean if you plan on having them do everything.
Also, I love how she threw the lighter to him. Safety first kids! 😄
Okay, here’s some of my honest feedback.
1: I feel like the story lacked emotion, even when Matthew was angry he didn’t seem angry. Maybe add in some physical attributions to the story. Something like this,
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you were leaving!” Matthews face was flushed in anger, frustration shining clearly when he dragged his fingers aggressively through his hair. “I was going to tell you!”
Jun protested, she could feel a stinging in the corners of her eyes, and she blinked furiously. She would not, could not, cry now.
2: There wasn’t really transitions in the story, it just jumped from one thing to another... and that made it seem very empty.
3: I didn’t feel a huge urge to continue reading the story, there was no pull, and I think that’s because you didn’t bring in any back story behind anything.
4: Again, I didn’t think you explained things enough, or there wasn’t enough backstory. who is Matt? who is Jyn? what do they look like?
why is Jyn going to Japan? why was Matt angry? why do they have a bucket list? ext.
5. it was a little short on vocabulary. I think it needs either more context or less diolouge if you want to keep it that length.
6. Maybe start the chapter with something really strong... Matt being upset was good, but it didn’t really set anything up...
Good job!
oh... i.. it's... amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you are really good at writing!!!!
hmm.. feedback...
maybe add more detail in-between transitions? [i struggle with that]..
but it's A.M.A.Z.I.N.G!!!