Okay not sure about this chapter it feels like its missing something if you don't like it let me know and I will rewrite it! Feedback welcome and needed as always please be completely honest....Thanks so much guys and I hope you enjoy this chapter.
Kayti
She awoke with a start, where was she? She felt around in bed, but it was rolling moving, swaying like a tree in the breeze. Then she remembered she was on a boat. She sighed as she stretched in the darkness of her small quarters. She was with her father and mother, her brother Prince Lander was ruling First Warren while she and their parents visited the mining warren of Kingston. Lander had wanted to come, but someone had to take care of First Warren and father had wanted Lander to get some experience. Lander was much older than her he had been alive during the battle of Ayman lake, had been in the battle of Ayman lake, she had only heard about it. Her brother knew the hero Lord Fleck Blackstar whom she and her parents were visiting, but she didn’t she had not been born. Her brother had saved their mother and fought alongside Captain Massie, her hero. She had had no adventures so far in her short life, except for this voyage.
She jumped out of bed ignoring the chill and dressed quickly, then scurried out onto the deck of the ship. It was a beautiful ship called _________, that was nice name for a ship she thought. She went to the bow and let the wind blow on her face whipping the fur of her cheeks as the ship moved and dawn began to break on the horizon behind the mountains which rose up before them. She closed her eyes taking a deep breath, of the clear, fresh, crisp cool air. She sighed and opened her eyes gazing at the horizon in the new light. There was a dock but no one on the dock, funny she thought. She heard steps and looked back to see Captain Cove, his brow was furrowed in thought. Captain Cove was a tall reddish colored rabbit whom her father liked to call, Helmer there.
“Doesn’t appear to be anyone on the dock Your Majesty,” Captain Cove said in concern and evident confusion. At first Luciana thought he was talking to her but then her father stepped out from behind Captain Cove.
Her father was tall, white, and royal in every aspect of the word. He was gentle and caring but could also be firm and she loved him for it. “Funny, I sent word ahead with the last coal ship that I would be arriving, the ship brought back word that they would be awaiting us, Fleck in his letter seemed very happy to have us visit.” Her father’s face wore a look of concern as he added, “I hope nothing’s happened.”
Luciana looked back toward the dock and saw two figures come running onto it waving their hands. She squinted, she couldn’t tell much from this distance but it seemed one of them was a young buck and the other a young doe of about the same age.
“Oh, look Helmer rabbits, waving us, meaning we shouldn’t leave, let us lower the longboats and find out why Blackstar has not come to greet us.” Captain Cove gave a hmm, then ordered for the longboats to be lowered.
Soon they were rowing toward shore and she was seated between her parents. She watched the two young rabbits on the dock as they drew nearer, they seemed to be sad about something. Actually, it felt as if the very air was sad. As if something horrible had happened.
When the longboat drew up alongside the dock the young buck helped tie it off. Captain Cove stepped out followed by her father who helped her and her mother out then turned to the young buck.
The buck was grey with brown eyes, seemed smart and kind, but still this shadow of sadness seemed to hang around him, even now that he was in the presence of the king. The buck bowed as he said, “Your Majesty we are most honored by your visit and my father would have come to….” But her father held up his hand as he said, “Quite fine young Kyter, I believe that is your name, I am sure Blackstar is very busy and…” The young buck spoke up, “My father is Captain Gavin sir, my name is Forsythe. I was sent because Kyter Blackstar was trapped in a mine cave in yesterday. He is my best friend and we were playing in the mine and Kay Jack…we didn’t…he’s so little…” Forsythe choked on his words and could not go on.
Luciana watched her father’s eyes turn to the doe. She was bright red with blue eyes that seemed to be normally merry. The doe smiled weakly, “I’m Marie, Forsythe’s twin. Lord Blackstar has not left the mine since yesterday and our father will not leave Lord Blackstar because he’s afraid he’ll do something rash. Lord Blackstar is very upset as are most of us, but he is taking the blame and can’t stop thinking about how scared Kyter must be and what happened with Papa when he left him years ago. Everyone got out before the collapse except Kyter and Lieutenant Kay Jack. Lieutenant Kay Jack stumbled out shortly after saying the last he knew Kyter was still alive, that’s where all the bucks are, working to clear away the cave in debris or cleaning up the mess from the raptor attack the day before. Lady Blackstar is distraught about Kyter and sends you her apologizes. Me and Forsythe were sent to lead you back to the warren since no one else could be spared.” Marie curtsied.
“You may lead Queen Lillie and Princess Luciana with a few guards to the warren,” King Whitson said, then he added, “But I and the rest of the bucks will go to the mine to help, that is if you can lead us there Forsythe.” Her father turned his eyes toward the young buck. Forsythe looked up and nodded.
Not five minutes later Luciana held her mother’s hand and followed Marie, while her father and many of the other bucks followed Forsythe to the mine where young Kyter Blackstar lay trapped or… she wouldn’t think it. If Forsythe was Kyter’s best friend that meant Kyter was older than her, but that was still so young. What a tragic thing to have happened to such a good family. She didn’t actually know the family only knew of them, but what she had heard made her sure that they did not deserve this tragedy.
i just finished the whole fanfic, i loved it sooo much!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I loved this perspective!! Thank you for making Luciana! I like her a lot. Oh and what was the name of the ship!!!!!!!!!? Such a good chapter, Kayti!!
*sniffs* I hope Kyter's ok... wonderfully written!!
Okay long comment time cause this fic is so hood and deserves it,,,, YOU ADDED LUCIANA!! Is this the story of how they met?? Aaaaa I am excite! I'm worried about what's going to happen to Kyter but I can't wait to get to know her as well!! 😃 The biggest suggestion I have for you is to just reread and edit a ton until nothing stands out as awkward to you! ^^ There's no rushing perfection!! 😃 (like I usually reread my writing at least five times before it's fixed satisfactorily haha) Also not a huge point just a suggestion, in most cases you'll want to keep your adjectives at two, sometimes three. So "She closed her eyes (,) taking a breath of the (crisp, clear,) (morning) air." Possibly whittle down your adjectives? Idk it just makes thing read smoother. (I asked my writer brother (whose written like 3 books now) he suggested just crisp morning air.) I hope this doesn't come off as too nitpicky 😅 If I were you I'd probably shorten some of Marie's story too. One of the tricks of writing is to tell your readers just as much info as they need to know and imply the rest. So she definitely should still tell Whitson the whole story, but you can "time jump" (idk what it's officially called xD) for the readers, telling us the beginning of Marie's story, maybe then telling us Whitson's reaction as she's telling the story, and then the final lines? (If that doesn't make sense I can try explaining better) But it's totally up to you, that might be what you're going for!! Again, great work! Great writing! I LOVE where this story is going I am soooo excited for the rest! It honestly feels like a genuine GE book it just feels so perfect with well done characters,,, Keep up the awesome work!!! 😃💚👍
🤍🤍 Luciana and Kyter?
Anyways. I like Luciana. AND THE MENTION OF MASSIE!!!!!
SO GOOD! No feedback!