Sanddune smiled as he glanced around the living room. Closest to the fire, his mother, Natalia, sat in her rocker, knitting. His father, Buck, sat in his chair, whittling. Blackstar and Jetsmoke sat on a log bench, trying to cross stitch, but making it look like a giant pincushion. Miskit was lying on the aspen floor and rolling a ball to her six-year-old brother Pepsi. Their twelve-year-old sister, Oreo, gently cradled their new baby, Courage. His 9-year-old brother, Peter, and him were trying to play Father’s recorder. Across the room, Father put down his whittling, and crossed over. Taking the slim instrument in his hand, he blew a wavering note.
He turned to their mother, “Ready?”
She nodded and started pushing the benches around. Everyone stood and dropped what they were doing. Father found a note on his recorder, and mother started to sing Sanddune’s favorite song.
“Stuck in a whirlpool of worry and fear,
Not really knowing how to steer,
This first note in a long song of hope,
Is like a rock that can blow up a boat.
Still, fine times are A’ Comin’,
Though perils are soon,
Like fires that burn are the tales of the night,
But out in daylight the stories are clear
Fine times are Comin’, though finer they be,
So wake too the mornin’
The light on your face,
And feel every mornin’ no finer to wake
Have a go at a really nice day,
Cause fine times will come.”
The kits danced and spun around. Even after his mother finished her song, the recorder played on, as if it wanted this wonderful dance to go on forever. Sanddune stood up on a bench and pretended to fire arrows. Oreo danced and spun, swirling her skirt. Miskit and Jetsmoke danced together, and Pepsi and Peter pretend sword fought. Mother twirled around and around the room with Courage in her arms. Sanddune leaped down from the bench and helped his brothers fight invisible enemies. He spun, sliced, and jousted.
Laughing, everyone sunk down to benches. Sanddune forgot his seat had moved, and when he sat down, he fell to the ground. Everyone laughed, including Sanddune. Miskit and Oreo left to the kitchen, and Sanddune saw Miskit come out with a large plate of ginger snap cookies. Oreo had a tray of nine glasses of orange juice.
The does placed their food on the small side-table. Leaning forward, Sanddune snagged a cookie.
“Mmm. These are really delicious!” He exclaimed, biting into the soft, warm cookie. The sugar on the top melted on his tongue. A sweet warmth filled his mouth. He grabbed his glass of juice. The sweet, fresh-squeezed orange juice quenched his thirst and filled his mouth. Soon, the whole plate of cookies had been claimed, and all the rabbits had finished their juice. Climbing the oak staircase up to their bedroom, Oreo stopped Sanddune.
“Something doesn’t seem right about father today,” Oreo said.
“What do you mean?” Sanddune replied.
“Did you see how father kept losing his notes when he was playing? And he didn’t take a cookie. He didn’t even drink his juice.”
“Oh. Let’s go to bed. I’m exhausted.
“Okay. But tomorrow, we learn about this problem. Night, Sanddune.” Oreo replied.
“Night.” He replied. Both rabbits slid into their beds, Sanddune to the top bunk bed, Oreo to the bottom.
it's not very long. i need help with it. i need to rename Blackstar. i named them after my rabbits. I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i don't like the way i'm writing this.
it just doesn't make sense.
i'll post the next chapter if you would like.
BUT I NEED HELP!!!!
suggestions? advice? anything? i want to get this published but it's not done.
does it sound GE?
oh yeah, and i'll write some fanfic this weekend but i'm trying to finish book one of this series before July....
honestly, sometimes i just want to delete the file on Microsoft word and rewrite the whole thing.
and i'm working on drawing all the characters from book four but that takes a while...
and i'm not excited for book four cause i have to kill one of my favorite characters..
but i am excited to write book five!!
[i'm gonna go work on books 4-5 while hysterically laughing]
{and if you ask who i'm going to kill it's in AKURU code right here.. just crack the code!!}
AKSACKOAUKTURU [this code is really hard to crack.. lol.. i invented it!! {just in case i wanted to share story spoilers :)]
-Fleck...
I finished the cover. It took a while tho.... I wanted to make it a little like the original for the series, but it turned out different... (Also, Hazel Thomas is my pen name)
Original cover from September 2020:
And the current cover I started last night and finished this morning.
Sorry for the Lego cloud Mountain in the background... And the lightsaber???? Idk how that got in their....)
chapter 5, a turning:
Just grabbed Sanddune’s arm. “You’ve gotta come with us!”
“How do I know this isn’t a trap?” Sanddune said, wrenching his arm free.
“You just gotta trust us.” Cobalt said. Before he could say more, they heard a long growl.
“Wha… What was that?” Sanddune whispered.
The growl continued and got louder. The three bucks screamed.
“The window!” Sanddune cried, he leapt out, grabbed a branch of an apple tree, flipped wildly in the air, and flew head-first into a bush. The others followed.
“It was a raccoon.” Cobalt said, gasping as he stood.
“We’ve gotta get out of here.” Just replied.
“Why?” Sanddune asked.
“Racoons are merciless. They will stop at nothing.” Just said, shivering.
“So that’s it?” Sanddune asked. Two rabbits, one Oreo, were walking toward them, holding the leads of several horses.
“THAT’S IT?” He screamed.
“It was a rescue mission.” Cobalt said, looking down.
“YOU CALL THAT A RESCUE MISSION?” Sanddune yelled.
“Yes, Sandy.” The buck said.
“No one calls me Sandy.” Sanddune whispered.
“He’s your Uncle Milo, Sandy.” Oreo said.
“Hey, Sanddune, it’s ok.” Just said, looking at the ground, fighting to keep back tears.
“I’m not—” Sanddune began, but before he could finish, they heard the low, bone-chilling growl of the raccoon.
“C’mon!” Sanddune yelled, leaping onto Peppermint’s back. The others followed his lead.
Sanddune and Peppermint lead the others through a path in the forest, to a small little dairy.
“The dairy?” Oreo looked confused.
“Just follow me.” Sanddune dismounted and lead his horse into the log building.
“Down here.” He whispered opening the latch on the floorboards. The floor opened up.
“Let’s go down.” He said. “Lead your horses, they will follow.”
The rabbits leapt into the dusty cellar. The horses followed, and instantly nosed their way over to sacks of feed.
“Sure is dark in here.” Just whispered. Sanddune lit a torch and closed the boards.
“What do we do now?” Oreo asked.
“We need a plan.” Cobalt said.
“I know—” The trap door creaked slightly, and the rabbits dove for the walls. They could just hear the conversations of their enemies.
“Captain, I want the honor.”
“Honor! The honor is mine!” they heard a paw slash and a fox yelp.
“You search down there.” The leader said. Moments later, a fox only a little younger than Holly walked below.
“I’m done with him.” The fox whimpered. “I don’t want to fight anyhow. Why am I a fox?”
Sanddune leapt out, tackling the fox, who didn’t fight back. Sanddune was angry. He poised to end the fox with an arrow, when he felt Milo’s hand on his shoulder.
“Please, take me with you?” the fox asked in a meek voice. Sanddune glared at him with intense anger.
“Of course, of course.” Milo said.
“Thank you, sir.” He squeaked.
“Your name?” Milo asked.
“Sable, sir.” He replied.
“What happened to your eye?” Milo asked.
“That raccoon captain, sir.” Sanddune suddenly felt sympathy for the little fox. He wasn’t cruel or dangerous, just little and scared.
“I- I’m Sanddune, but you could call me Sandy. I’m sorry for almost killing you.”
“It’s ok. You were just protecting your family” Sable said.
“No it really isn’t. I’ve been rude to everyone. Please forgive me?” Sanddune asked.
“It’s ok.” Milo said, Oreo nodded.
“Just? Cobalt?”
“Of course! Welcome to our friendship!”
“Thank you.” Sanddune said.
“Now we have to get out.” Milo said, wrapping Sable’s eye in a bandage.
“I know of a back door.” Sanddune said.
“We could always run for it.” Oreo said.
Just, Cobalt, and Sanddune examined the back door, Just talking aloud.
“Locked. No, padlocked. Number combination key. Strange… rusty, so old. Door is rusted shut.” He tapped the door. “Buckets stacked at the other end. Hmm… solid wood, oak..”
“Your not helping.” Sanddune said.
“Sorry Sandy, just doing what Haze always taught me.”
There was Haze again. Sanddune’s dad’s apprentice.
“Um, guys, I think we have a solution.” Sable brushed against the window.
“How could we not see that!” Just yelped.
this wasn't in my plans at first
hey, just wanted to say that Microsoft Word deleted my whole project, so now i have to either find it or copy and paste these chapters to the other writing thing on my computer.. that'll take a while... sorry...
Oreo shook her head, mumbled memories at the corners of her mind.
A familiar one of which she always wondered about flew to the top.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
She was at the old city. It was Wednesday, she remembered, because of who was at the door.
Main Captain Scout.
She was wearing white pajamas and carrying an overstuffed pillow. She had to have been only two or three.
Next to her, five-year-old Miskit stood in her pink pajamas, cradling baby Sanddune [blue pajamas]. Her parents stood behind them, looking worried.
A grey rabbit stood next to an older brown rabbit with a crown on his head. The grey buck was talking.
“I have a hunch that something will happen. Kingdoms will fall, enemies invade” Scout said, shivering. He looked all of a sudden cold.
“A hunch, Captain Scout?” her father asked.
“A hunch that says all families should leave.” Scout said. He looked frightened, worried, and a whole lot of other emotions Oreo couldn’t decipher.
“Scout, a hunch is a very dangerous thing” The Crowned rabbit explained.
“What’s a hump?” Oreo asked.
“Not hump, hunch.” Miskit whined.
“A hunch, small one, is a feeling” the crowned rabbit explained.
“King Pine, a hunch is something you follow. Tell her that” Scout said, shivering and wrapping his cloak around his shoulders. Fog hung unsteadily in the air..
“She heard you.” The king laughed.
“We must leave, then.” Her mother sighed, and Scout closed the door.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
. Oreo watched the strangers. The small brown buck worked with ease, scouting the area. The grey rabbit huddled in his net while the orange buck cut him free.
“King Pine?” she asked, gazing at the brown buck. He smirked at her, then walked to the edge of the cliff.
“Hurry, Cobalt. Now! Hurry.” the bundle exploded, “Now just look at my squashed quiver. Those were brand new arrows. Brand New! And my bow. I warned you those traps were a bad idea! I think my sword’s bent”
“Just a sec, Milo.” The buck, Cobalt, stated. He drew his sword and cut him free.
The bundle had white fur and blue eyes. His sword was bent awkwardly, and his quiver was flat. A bow, broken in half, dangled from his shoulder. His pack was soaked, obviously punctured by an arrow. Water dripped down his back. He stepped forward.
“Milo Thomas,” he declared, “Just, and Cobalt Ford.”
“Sanddune, is my brother. I’m Oreo.” Sandy is down there. we’re Thomas’ too!”
“My name’s Cobalt.” The tall, orange buck Said, stumbling to the cliff edge to stand with the other.
“Just.” The other said.
“What of Sandy?” Oreo asked as Milo leapt on the horse.”
“We’ll go.” Just and Cobalt said, mimicking each other.
“I’m coming too!” she shouted.
“no Oreo. Bucks, take these two horses.” Milo said. Cobalt and Just leapt onto Pumpkin and chocolate and rode down toward the house.
Sanddune fought forward in the smoke. He stumbled up the steps and into the library.
“Dad?” he asked, feeling around in the dim light.
“Mom?” nothing.
“Miskit?” he asked. His fingers ran into father’s blank book.
“Sandy!” he heard from below.
“Dad?” he asked, feeling down the steps.
“No. I’m Just and he’s Cobalt.” The strangers said.
“Oreo!” he cried
“She’s safe.” Just said.
Sanddune sagged in relief.
aaah Just is awesome!!!!!!!!!!! lol
alright.
A large raccoon sidled into view. Sanddune found his feet and slowly backed away. He turned a panicked glance at his sister.
“Run!” he yelled, panic in his voice.
Oreo sprinted off to the house. After one backward glance at his sister, Sanddune snatched a heavy iron pan from the ground. He lifted the pan, smashing it over his opponent’s head.
Sanddune fell to his knees by the dead raccoon, stunned at ending a foe. He soon recovered, hearing snarls.
Sanddune backed to the horse paddock gate. Raccoons hissed around him, snarling.
Easy, Sandy. Just like in stories. Sanddune thought, lifting the latch.
Careful. Careful. He thought, biting his lip as he tugged at the stubborn latch. The raccoons moved closer, snarling.
Why me? Sanddune thought, shoving the gate open. A flow of horses charged from the gate.
Sanddune clutched at the flying horses. Where is Peppermint? He wondered.
Sanddune raced down the aisle, scanning the empty stalls for his horse. He soon found her.
Peppermint was panicked. She was kicking her stall door in panic.
“Easy, girl. It’s okay.” Sanddune comforted as he fiddled with her latch. After seconds of hard pulling, the gate creaked open. As Peppermint turned to leave Sanddune climbed onto the top of the gate and leapt onto the quivering horse.
The two raced on until they came to an old oak tree, where several crows perched, ready to attack the frenzied rabbit perched on the back of a speeding horse.
They called to each other and dove at the skillful buck and his hurried buckskin horse.
Sanddune grabbed the stones from peppermint’s saddle bags. He tossed them at the creaming black birds, stunning each opponent.
He tied Peppermint’s halter to the tree and raced to the supply shed.
Racing along at top speed, he nearly crashed into the wall. He tugged at the rusty back door until there was enough room for him to squeeze through. Pulling the creaky door closed, Sanddune groped around the dark stall for a lantern and some matches.
Finding them, he lit the lamp and hung it on a hook. He had to be fast. The summer before, he had found a box of explosives. He frantically searched through a barrel of junk.
His fingers gripped the familiar box!
“Dads going to be so mad!” he mumbled, striking the match to the box.
As soon as he had started the fire, he snatched his father’s bow and quiver from the wall. He shoved at the door.
It wasn’t working! The flames were nearing the explosives. Sanddune took a running leap, crashing through the wooden door seconds before the barn behind him exploded in an ear shattering blast.
Racing to hi9s horse, he snatched a dead branch from the ground. A club.
He shot a worried look towards the house. Oreo was trapped on the ridge. ………………………………..
Oreo was trapped. She glanced around to try to find her brother.
The barn exploded. Horses fled. Oreo screamed. Her brother was in that barn. She was about to give up when Sycamore, the skittish young mare, raced past.
“Slow down!” Oreo shouted, leaping onto the palomino’s back.
Oreo glanced toward the hazy barn. Sanddune! He was riding Peppermint and had Father’s bow and Quiver. The foxes yapped in fright.
“Weren’t expecting prey to fight back? Were you? Well, I’m sure you would be glad to tell your captain you were beaten by a ten-year-old!” He spat as the foxes slunk off.
……………………………………………………………………………………………..
Sanddune cast a glance at his sister.
“I’m going to get mother and Father!” He yelled, sprinting away before Oreo could protest.
She watched him. He leapt inside as explosives shattered their home.
“Watch out!” cried a hazel brown rabbit who was swinging down toward them on a vine. The rabbit wore a mask and carried a sword.
The buck tumbled to the ground, mask rolling off.
“Ouch.” He spat, sitting.
“Oh hi.” He said, standing. The young buck shuffled his feet uncomfortably.
He’s Sanddunes age! Oreo realized.
“Just! Let me out!” came another voice in the forest.
“Sorry, Milo. That one’s mine. It should come off next time it snows. Those ropes don’t stand up to cold. However, I’m sure your sword would do the trick.” The newcomer responded,
Heeeeeeeeelp!” Cried another young rabbit, one who was being dragged in the clearing by Pumpkin, the horse.
“Justice Pine- oops.” Exclaimed a A bundle of broken bow, squished quiver, and bent sword. Lake and Chocolate, two proud trouble making horses, strutted after him.
3 things:
1) Just has to be in my top character list.. [my favorites are Haze, Sanddune, and Just, in no particular order.]
2) this chapter's called The Rabbits that fell from the sky.
3) does this sound too GE?
4) i need a name for Blackstar.. [Blackstar was just off the wim because i needed another character so now i need another name... :|
ok that was 4 things.. lol..
any things i need to improve?
[also, for those of you writing books, how are your books coming? random.. lol]
i have a lot of books to work on in my series.. lol..
Reading order
Fort herabi 1
Pineson book 1
Pineson book two
Herabi book two
Lone Scout
Adventures of the lone scout
Herabi book three
The Start
The travels of Just and Cobalt
Herabi book four
The adventures of Grand Valley
The adventures of Grand valley #2
Herabi book five
The fight and escape.
The final fight
Fort herabi 1: Sanddune and Oreo start their fight for the resistance at Mount Pike after a calamitous experience.
Pineson book one: a thanksgiving feast turns into a prank war before the truth is revealed.
Pineson book two: Christmas starts in Main Warren and becomes a plot.
Herabi Book two: Disaster strikes at a nearby fort while information is gathered and a plan is formed
Lone Scout: A simple trip takes a turn as the War of the Mines begins and ends
Adventures of the lone scout: punished for his adventure, Haze needs to find a new way to help rabbits for two weeks.
Herabi book three: a daring journey into the mysterious city ends in a spectacular fight
The Start: Haze learns an important lesson on Ice Cream Day Eve, and a resistance is started
The travels of Just and Cobalt: Two young rabbits try to escape chaos and end up in more chaos
Herabi book four: An important battle is waged, a hero falls, and secrets are revealed.
The adventures of Grand valley: Sanddune learns archery while Oreo uncovers secrets
The adventures of Grand Valley#2: Sanddune and Peter find themselves lost on the way to gather apples
Herabi book five: A quest to end a legend unfolds into a battle
The fight and escape: The war of the mines rises up again as the rabbits who rejected help battle for freedom
The final fight: A mysterious rabbit has started appearing. The rabbits of Fort Herabi plus the peakguard must solve the riddle to crack the code
i'm excited for the last one.
but hey.
capture the flag is in it!!!!!!! [i love capture the flag. {I'm weird}]
redone chapter 2!! sorry it's not perfect, i have to go frost Picket on my cake [i'm the only person in my family who draws rabbits :) ] or else i'd fix the grammer errors.. :)
Oreo dreamed of tall towers, bustling cities, and rabbits of all kinds. Never had that place been, and likely it would never be. She thought, rubbing her blue eyes.
I want to know the truth. Oreo thought, sighing. She blinked back images of granite peaks. I want to know! Why can’t I know?
Now, she intended to ask her father. She slid out of bed, quietly, so not to disturb her sleeping brothers. The aspen boards felt cold under her bare feet as she crept toward her father’s library.
She was tired, yes. But The young rabbit needed to know the truth. She had heard her parents talk softly about such things but had never quite caught the words. Hearing footsteps she panicked.
Who in my family could be up so early but Sanddune? And I really don’t want him around.
She turned around. There stood Sanddune, brown fur rumpled, glaring. He looked tired.
“What are we doing?” he asked in a whisper as she turned away.
“I am going to learn why we left the old place,” she whispered. The old place was code for the city they had left.
“May I come too?” he asked.
“No.”
“Yes”
“No”
“Yes!”
“Yes- I mean-“
“too late. Come on.” Sanddune said, motioning down the hall.
“I wanted to face him myself.” Oreo grumbled.
“Father won’t tell us anyways,” Sanddune replied, shaking his head.
The two young rabbits walked up to the top flight of stairs and up to the third floor. Coming to the library door, Oreo knocked.
“Come in.” They heard their father say.
Cautiously, Sanddune opened the door. Buck Thomas sat in a chair, rubbing his eyes.
“Father?” Oreo asked, quietly.
“Yes?” He asked, smiling a tired smile.
“We- I mean i- wanted to if your alright.” Oreo stuttered.
“Alright? Why?” Father asked, frowning.
“We saw you crying.” Oreo said. The two kits looked down bashfully.
“No, Sandy. No, Oreo. Please?” Father asked as they turned to go.
“We- I’m sorry.” Sanddune said, opening the door.
“Wait! I’ll tell you!” Father exclaimed. Oreo and Sanddune looked up.
“please, sit down.” Father said.
“Secrets!” Sanddune said leaning forward, mischievous glint in his eyes.
“Yes, secrets. I’m telling you these secrets because I believe you to be old enough.” Father said.
“Old enough?” Oreo asked.
“Yes.”
“Go on.” Sanddune frowned.
“Many years ago, we left Main Warren after a warning. Three years later, the kingdom fell into ruin. And it was my fault.” Father said.
Sanddune and Oreo gasped, looking at each other.
“Our family. My comrades. They- all but Milo- they…. Well, they…” Father was crying.
“Betrayed?” Sanddune asked.
“No and yes. They didn’t just betray, they became the enemy themselves.”
“No.” Sanddune said. Oreo was glad, she was tongue tied.
“I’m so sorry. Don’t believe anyone who tells you the raccoons started this. It was my cousin Goldenton. And my brother, Thorty, joined him.”
“I’ts not your fault, father.” Sanddune said,
“You should go do your chores.” Father said.
The kits shrugged and slipped downstairs.
Sanddune and Oreo rushed outside. They were the only ones in the family who had to do the outside chores.
The kits raced to the barn. It truly was a spectacular day. The warm summer breeze pushed its way past the kits as they rushed past ancient pines and chalky aspens. Sanddune was faster and had more stamina. She called for a break.
“But we’re almost there!” Sanddune whined, tugging on her shirt. “The barn’s only over the hill. Please!!”
“Let me catch my breath, goofy little brother.”
But Sanddune was already racing off to the barn. Sighing, Oreo raced after him. Sanddune stood at the barn door, panting. She watched as he fumbled with the stick in the lock. She shoved him inside.
“Hey!” he hollered.
“Check for monsters!” she called after him.
“Get in here yourself and check.” He replied.
“No. That’s your job.”
“Oreo, you’re twelve years old. There are no monsters!” He replied.
“No monsters?” an unfamiliar voice snarled, “Why, of course there are monsters.” The speaker emerged from around the wall. Oreo screamed.
Sanddune smiled as he glanced around the living room. His home was so snug and warm, even with the harsh summer rain beating against the windows. He was perfectly content, watching his siblings and parents in the warm living room. The fire crackled merrily, warming the rabbits snuggled around it.
The two youngest, twin does named Blackstar and Jetsmoke, were watching their mother knit in the chair closest to the fire. They’re little hands were mimicking the tricky pattern, or trying too.
Miskit, the eldest, held little Courage, the baby, at the same time she wrestled little Pepsi.
Sanddune and his twin brother Peter were shaving arrows for the bow they used everyday, while Oreo chewed on a stick of celery. Father was cleaning and greasing his recorder till it shone.
Father stood, blowing a thin, wavering note. It was as crisp and clear as a spring morning, bright and cheerful. He played a few notes before finding his melody and playing a familiar tune.
He turned to their mother, “Ready?”
“I am.” She said, smiling as she gently lay her knitting on a bench.
“Very well.” Father said, winking.
The kits helped their mother push the benches to the wall while father placed another log on the growing fire.
He started to play a melody as gentle as rolling grass. Mother soon joined him, singing the words to a song they had heard many times before.
“Stuck in a whirlpool of worry and fear,
Not really knowing how to steer,
This first note in a long song of hope,
Is like a rock that can blow up a boat.
Still, fine times are A’ Comin’,
Though perils are soon,
Like fires that burn are the tales of the night,
But out in daylight the stories are clear
Fine times are Comin’, though finer they be,
So wake too the mornin’
The light on your face,
And feel every mornin’ no finer to wake
Have a go at a really nice day,
Cause fine times will come.”
Everyone found their feet, dancing to the sweet melody. The twin does, happy and warmed by the music, began swirling and dancing, crashing around the room. Miskit and Oreo danced a smooth rhythm, like professionals. Pepsi drew a fake sword and charged into a fake battle.
As for Sanddune and Peter, their minds were distracted by a marvelous smell drifting from the kitchen. Gingersnap cookies. They stood for a while, smelling the fragrant aroma, before padding to the kitchen.
The warm milk collected that night hung over the fire, ballooning into the air. Father must have forgotten again. The plate of cookies lay on a grate over a second fire, crisped to perfection.
Peter reached out to grab it, singing his fingers on the hot pan. He leapt back in surprise as Miskit entered the kitchen.
“Please keep your hands out of the food.” She said, politely.
The bucks glared at their sister, then trotted into the living room.
Everyone was happily chatting and laughing by the fire, except for father. He was frowning and lightly crying while mother tried to comfort him. The mood in the room changed, suddenly serious and sad. Sanddune wished Miskit would come soon.
Out of the kitchen twirled Miskit. She set the cookies on a table in the middle of the room.
Sanndune watched, interested, as father refused a cookie.
Leaning forward, Sanddune snagged a cookie.
“Mmm. These are really delicious!” He exclaimed, biting into the soft, warm cookie. The sugar on the top melted on his tongue. A sweet warmth filled his mouth. Glancing at Miskit, he saw the gleam in her eyes.
After many minutes, Father and mother dismissed the kits. Climbing the oak staircase, the once happy and joyful mood turned gloomy.
“Something doesn’t seem right,” Oreo said.
“What do you mean?” Sanddune replied.
“Did you se father cry? He never cries.”
“Oh. That’s been happening for years.”
“Okay. But tomorrow, we ask him. Night, Sanddune.” Oreo replied.
“Night.” He replied. Oreo rabbits slid into her bed.
Sanddune waited a while in the hall, listening to the faint whispers of his parents. The night dragged on, but Father and mother kept their conversation.
At some point he heard the door open and a thrd, younger voice, join the conversation.
Sanndune yawned, climbing the ladder to his top bunk. He was soon asleep.
this was really good! But I agree with @Saraina , it seems a little to good to be true lol 😂 I would keep in mind especially that the first chapter is what makes people want to read a book, so you want to use strong emotions for a character or set up a sene in great detail. I would add a little more between when things switch. Like when Buck played the recorder and they started dancing, I would add a little more emotion from the characters and make it transition a little smoother if that makes sense. Otherwise great job!
I really like this!!! It's so fun and sweet!! Okay, so maybe the thing that's missing is tension. Everything is really happy and wonderful, maybe a little too much so. The descriptions are really good and everything thing is! So maybe just add some sort of problem, (although I'm sure is coming up if you've written more). I mean it's usually best for even single scenes to have some sort of tension, or a shift in emotion, like they begin happy and end sad, or opposite (that's a simplified example). But it is so good and I loved reading it!!! Great job!!!
oh and here's the prolouge for book four. i'm not finished writing Lone Scout or it's sequal but i like this..........
*is about to start crying because of above character's death i have to write at the end of the book*
“quiet!” I whispered, jabbing Jack with my elbow.
“Haze! Somethings looking at me.” He replied. I nodded. The forest felt cold and risky. I sensed danger hanging thickly in the air around us as we trekked through the damp underbrush. I shivered, holding my hood in place in a terrifying gust of wind.
“I don’t have a very good feeling about this.” I whispered.
“We follow orders, Haze.” Jack whispered. He tried to keep a brave face, but I knew he was frightened.
“Orders.” I mumbled, barely audible on the harsh winds screeching around us. I felt the numbing cold in my bones.
“Haze!” Jack shouted. I turned frantically looking for my friend.
“Jack!” I shouted, pushing past the mist. Nothing. Alone. I was alone in the forest. My forest.
-from The Adventures of the Lone Scout.